I Should Applause Myself for Not Gettin' Depression

I came from a broken family. Now I live with my mother & my grandma. My dad... He's a bastard. He's no use for everybody. Yes, in other words, I hate my father & I can't help it. I want to love him, but I have no reason.

I just remember that I have a really bad childhood memories. My parents always arguing, always fighting in front of my eyes. My dad always hit me & my mom, & my mom fight back. My dad taking drugs & smoke in front of little me. My mom has to take a hard work everyday, but my dad just waste our money. My family doesn't have our own home. We always move in to our family's home. That's ashame. That's the darkest hours ever.

My mom wants to divorce. Thank God.

My mom paid my educational for 12 years (& it's not cheap). My mom giving me a luxury life, with her own work alone.

But still, I never be normal, like any children do.

It givin' me stress, pressure, & maybe sometimes I know I get a little bit depression.

My mom wants me to be tough, strong, genius.
She forbid me to cry.
But I realize I'm such a crybaby.
I want a man that can be my role model.
My mom is take a part being my father also, so she raise me with her toughness.

I get jealous easily with other family.
They have dad that they can rely on. They have mom that they can tells their heart.
I don't.

Maybe other children that have a same condition with me will be attention-whore, bad girl, taking drugs, smoke, doesn't care with their educational, blahblahblah.
Well, maybe I'm an attention-whore.
But at least I'm not taking drugs or smoke (because my dad did that & I hate everything about my dad).
I can live normally on the outside.

But.....
Nobody knows that I crushed inside.
I feel insecure.
I feel lonely.

Forever I'm gonna be 'unnormal'