Muak

Muak.
Muak.
Muak.

Muak untuk hidup di sekitar orang dewasa.
Muak menjadi anak kecil yg selalu disalahkan.
Muak untuk memikirkan kalau saya bakal dewasa.

Muak dengan semuanya!

Saya tidak sabar untuk kuliah, lalu bisa hidup sendiri.
Saya mau bebas dari semuanya.
Di rumah cuma ada orang" dewasa yg egois & tidak mau dengar suaraku.
Mereka slalu bilang saya egois, saya keras kepala, saya tidak mau dengarkan mereka.

Padahal, mereka juga sama seperti saya. Saya begitu karena apa yg saya liat dari mereka.
Orang dewasa seharusnya tahu, apa yg mereka lakukan & dilihat oleh anaknya, akan terikut di anaknya.
Mereka slalu bilang "kan sudah besar, sudah bisa bedakan yg baik & yg benar."
Mereka selalu mau mengandalkan anak".
Padahal, orang dewasa saja masih bisa tidak bisa bedakan yg benar & yg salah, malah selalu menyuruh & mengharapkan anak" bisa.

Selalu saling membentak.
Selalu tidak ada yg mau mengalah.
Selalu merasa mereka lah yg paling tersakiti.
Cuma memikirkan diri sendiri.
Entah mereka sebenarnya tidak sadar atau pura" tidak sadar, semua saling menyakiti dan tersakiti.
Seandainya mereka memikirkan satu sama lain, mereka bisa hidup lebih bahagia daripada sekarang.
Nyatanya mereka mempertahankan ego mereka yg terlalu besar.

Semoga saya bisa menjadi pribadi orang dewasa yg berbeda dari mereka!

That's a life

I accompany my mom.

On the morning I went to hospital, father of my mom's bestfriend is sick, he's already old, he's not awake, there's no response, he's alive because of medical tools. When my mom's bestfriend is finally arrive (she lived in Singapore) she was cried. She cried so hard, shock actually.

My mom said that it was her firsttime seeing her bestfriend crying. But luckily, she can control herself & can smile again.

I was had a bad feeling, though.
It was hard to see someone like that.

After hospital, we went to my mom's friend's house.
They had a engangement party today.
They are so happy, but stressful to arrange this party.

In the other side, people are suffering & sad.
In the other side, there are people that happy.

That's a life.
One born one die.
One get married one separated.

I Should Applause Myself for Not Gettin' Depression

I came from a broken family. Now I live with my mother & my grandma. My dad... He's a bastard. He's no use for everybody. Yes, in other words, I hate my father & I can't help it. I want to love him, but I have no reason.

I just remember that I have a really bad childhood memories. My parents always arguing, always fighting in front of my eyes. My dad always hit me & my mom, & my mom fight back. My dad taking drugs & smoke in front of little me. My mom has to take a hard work everyday, but my dad just waste our money. My family doesn't have our own home. We always move in to our family's home. That's ashame. That's the darkest hours ever.

My mom wants to divorce. Thank God.

My mom paid my educational for 12 years (& it's not cheap). My mom giving me a luxury life, with her own work alone.

But still, I never be normal, like any children do.

It givin' me stress, pressure, & maybe sometimes I know I get a little bit depression.

My mom wants me to be tough, strong, genius.
She forbid me to cry.
But I realize I'm such a crybaby.
I want a man that can be my role model.
My mom is take a part being my father also, so she raise me with her toughness.

I get jealous easily with other family.
They have dad that they can rely on. They have mom that they can tells their heart.
I don't.

Maybe other children that have a same condition with me will be attention-whore, bad girl, taking drugs, smoke, doesn't care with their educational, blahblahblah.
Well, maybe I'm an attention-whore.
But at least I'm not taking drugs or smoke (because my dad did that & I hate everything about my dad).
I can live normally on the outside.

But.....
Nobody knows that I crushed inside.
I feel insecure.
I feel lonely.

Forever I'm gonna be 'unnormal'